Archive for Steph Admin

The darker side of hell.

I’m stealing borrowing taking inspiration from someone I admire and respect. Who wrote this on facebook:

“I have come to the conclusion that over the past two years I have come into a bit of a problem: Me.
Its like a skipping record that never gets into the next groove. I lost my aunt, my wife and my grandma all in one year… who would not be …affected by these big life changes?
But guess what? Life goes on, and I need to participate. I need to be a part of. I am so much more than my work. I am Mr. B and I need to snap the hell out of this, right here, right now. [baby steps]
I am that guy who will come running if you need help… but what about Mr. B? How do I fix him?
Well, first off I do something really crazy, like get honest on facebook of all places. I come clean. I tell the truth, and the truth of the matter is I hurt and have been hurting for a very. long. time.
I feel a change is coming… starting this weekend.”

That, well that was pretty ballsy.

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Posting and submissions

Well hello there supporters of NAOYP 🙂

I get some lovely comments via facebook and some brutally honest, gut wrenching, heart breaking one’s as well.

I’m trying to create a new user account that says something to the effect of private or whatever.  A lot of people feel safe sharing things with me and would like to be able to have the balls (proverbial or otherwise) to share their secrets, their pain, their thoughts and so forth.  I think it’s important for some of these comments to be posted so that others can realize that they are:

NOT ALONE


After all that’s really the whole point of this foundation: To spread the word, awareness, hope and above all else: To help kill the stigma like the useless bitch that it is.

So on that note, please know that ANYTHING that anyone tells me is 100% confidential.  Privacy is of the utmost importance, even more so when dealing with such a touchy subject like suicide.  I take privacy and confidentially VERY seriously.  I have signed waivers and  contracts for IMAlive in the same regard.  When you are hurt and desperate for help, no one wants their pain to be splashed all over the place.

So that being said:  If there ever comes a time you would like to comment on a blog post, share your own story of survival (whether you attempted suicide and survived or have survived the death of a loved one) -or- you want to share the story of a loved one that you have lost, anonymously please feel free to do so!

All stories/memorial pages/comments sent via e-mail/facebook/twitter will be posted anonymously unless you specifically request that your name be used.  Otherwise it will not.  That’s my promise to each and every one of you.

hope @ notafraidofyourpain .com

-Steph

The darker side of depression & death by suicide…

*DISCLAIMER* What I am about to write here is based on my own personal research, training and personal experience.

Yesterday marks the 3rd death of someone I knew, who died by their own hand.  Yes, that’s THREE people I personally knew.  Some more then others.  The hurt that’s left behind?  It’s all the same.  So are the questions.  I seen a 2008 poster for suicide survivor’s day, survivor’s as in the one’s who are left behind to deal with the emotional train wreck after loosing someone they love.  It’s message was simple, yet profound:

Every 16 mins someone commits suicide, every 17 minutes someone is left to wonder why.

Why as in:

Why didn’t they reach out?
Why didn’t they seek out help?
Why didn’t I see this coming?
Why did they do this to me/us/their family?

Which is usually followed by: I seen so and so last week/month and they seemed so happy! How could someone so full of life do this?  Which usually leads to who/what can I blame?

Ever since loosing Jason on September 3rd 2009 (the Jason the foundation is named after) I had a lot of questions, almost no answers and soul sucking grief, shock, numbness and anger.
The internet is a great place to get some answers, however with that you also get a ton of statistical data and little sustenance and usually not the answer to which you seek. However, after taking a university based course that has now certified me to be an Online Suicide Intervention Specialist (OSIS) I was at least given a better understanding on a few things.

Most people fail to realize, or understand that depression is an illness not unlike AIDS or cancer to name a few. NOT a state of mind. There is a rather large difference between being sad/feeling Mellon collie and having actual clinical depression. Depression can occur at any time, for any number of reasons. Sometimes it’s chemical, sometimes it’s seasonal (SAD as an example) and sometimes it’s situation brought on by grief by loss of a loved one (either the end of a relationship or death) loss of a job and so forth.

Because depression fits into the mental illness category, it carries a huge stigma.  It’s far more acceptable by society to have some God awful disease that is easily explained away as opposed to having depression.  Because people on occasion automatically label you as crazy or some form as such and well who wants that?

Depression doesn’t show any physical signs that are blatantly obvious to most observers.  People who are depressed don’t wear a sign around their neck that says : “Hey I’m depressed!”.  Depression is also a very high maintenance disease for some.  There’s countless types of medication on the market, however they don’t work for everyone and most carry some potentially lethal side effects.  So this means trying out several types of medication to see what works for you.  Maybe your lithium levels are low, maybe you need more sunlight, maybe your serotonin (your feel good hormone) levels are really low or maybe something horribly tragic happened to you and you quite simply can’t deal.  Whatever the reason, depression sucks.

If you’ve never experienced true depression first hand (I have) then it’s easy to say: “why didn’t so and so get help” and other things that we tend to torment ourselves with when we loose someone we love.  Seems so simple, yet it’s not.  Some people sadly loose the will to live, for whatever the reason.  There’s always hope, and as I am fond of saying it’s the one thing that never, ever dissapoints.  Yet some people don’t even have that.  When you’re sucked that far into the darkness, there’s no sense of light anymore.  Which is sad and heartbreaking.

People think that suicide is a selfish, cowardly act.  Actually it’s not.  It is to those who are left behind to mourn the loss and pick up the pieces.  No one wants to loose the one’s we love and how dare they abolish their own pain when it’s the one’s who are left with all the questions and no one there to provide the answers.  The will to live resonates pretty hard in all of us.  Countless people attempt suicide, or have suicide ideals yet they don’t always follow through.  I encourage everyone to read When someone takes his own life.  Which is also located at the top of the page in the tab menu.  Perhaps it will give you some peace.  Also piece of mind when sometimes there is none to be had.

The human race also has an enormous amount of pride and for some seeking out help isn’t always the easiest thing.  Healing oneself can take a lifetime of work.  Sometimes we’re wounded so badly we carry that burden with us for the rest of our lives.  Not everyone is committed to that.  A persons first instincts are to try and “cheer you up” in the vain hope that you’ll feel better.  Sadly, depression doesn’t have an easy fix.  If it did, then none of us would be suffering now would we? 🙂

To love and be loved is part of the human condition.  To ask for help and seek out help is not.  This is more common in men who are almost genetically predisposed to want to fix things themselves.

Most people who are suicidal generally don’t make the decision quickly.  It usually takes a while to work up one’s nerve and the signs are subtle.  Most people who are truly suicidal aren’t a bunch of glaringly obvious drama queens.  There are always signs, sometimes though those signs are so subtle that they’re easily ignored.  Especially if that person is generally vibrant and strong to the outside world.  That doesn’t necessarily mean that there’s a ton of demons crawling about in their mind.  Most of us figure that we all fall on emotionally hard times or financial ones, whatever your poison most people are generally tenacious enough to pick themselves up and move on.  However sometimes life just shits on you one too many times too damn often and we all have a breaking point.

When that person hits their limit, chooses to take their own life; we’re the one’s who are left in a devastating wake of grief, hurt and anger.  Sadly we can’t resurrect our loved ones, however we can use that persons death in a positive light.

Educate. Inspire. Speak out.  Even though this foundation is named after Jason, it’s for everyone who has died due to suicide and for those of us that are left behind to pick up the pieces.

-Steph

Andrew Wilmer

It’s with a heavy heart that I post this.

I knew Andrew eons ago when I was in elementary school.  Then high school followed for the brief time I spent at St. Benedict’s.  I wish I had memories to share however 1993 was a long time ago and well let’s just say all my memories are hazy from high school shall we? 😉

Regardless, I do recall you as being a really nice, super chill guy!  Thank you for not being a major douche when I was a niner 🙂

My heart is heavy with sadness for the one’s you left behind.  It’s painfully obvious to me how much you were loved.  I truly hope that there is life after death so that you can see just how much everyone loves you and misses you so much.  We have a lot of mutual friends, yet it’s been years since our paths have crossed.

Wherever you happen to be, I hope that you have located the peace that you simply couldn’t obtain here on earth.

“Death leaves a heartache No one can heal; Love leaves a memory No one can steal.”

Update: January 27th 2011

“Passed away on Tuesday, January 25, 2011 in Cambridge at 36 years of age. Beloved son of Rick (Barb) and Debbie Ayotte (Mick MacDonald), dear brother of Jennifer and Jillian, father of Carson Baglole and stepfather of Isabella Baglole. A service of remembrance will be held at the Lounsbury Funeral Home, Cambridge on Saturday, January 29th. 2011 “

A Story to Tell

This was posted in the IMAlive group that’s for the volunteer’s of this new and incredibly exciting project!  I wanted to share it with you all:

Twenty years ago, I drove a cab for a living. It was a cowboy’s life, a life for someone who wanted no boss. What I didn’t realize was that it was also a ministry.

Because I drove the night shift, my cab became a moving confessional. Passengers climbed in, sat behind me in total anonymity, and told me about their lives. I encountered people whose lives amazed me, ennobled me, made me laugh and weep.

But none touched me more than a woman I picked up late one August night.

I was responding to a call from a small brick fourplex in a quiet part of town. I assumed I was being sent to pick up some partiers, or someone who had just had a fight with a lover, or a worker heading to an early shift at some factory for the industrial part of town.

When I arrived at 2:30 a.m., the building was dark except for a single light in a ground level window. Under these circumstances, many drivers would just honk once or twice, wait a minute, then drive away. But I had seen too many impoverished people who depend on taxis as their only means of transportation. Unless a situation smelled of danger, I always went to the door. This passenger might be someone who needs my assistance, I reasoned to myself. So I walked to the door and knocked.

“Just a minute,” answered a frail, elderly voice. I could hear something being dragged across the floor. After a long pause, the door opened. A small woman in her 80s stood before me. She was wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat with a veil pinned on it, like someone out of a 1940s movie.

By her side was a small nylon suitcase. The apartment looked as if no one had lived in it for years. All the furniture was covered with sheets. There were no clocks on the walls, no knickknacks or utensils on the counters. In the corner was a cardboard box filled it photos and glassware.

“Would you like to carry my bag out to the car?” she said. I took the suitcase to the cab, then returned to assist the woman. She took my arm and we walked slowly toward the cur. She kept thanking me for my kindness.

“It’s nothing,” I told her. “I just try to treat my passengers the way I would want my mother treated.”

“Oh, you’re such a good boy,” she said.

When we got in the cab, she gave me an address, then asked, “Could you drive through downtown?”

“It’s not the shortest way,” I answered quickly.

“Oh, I don’t mind,” she said. “I’m in no hurry. I’m on my way to hospice.”

I looked in the rearview mirror. Her eyes were glistening.

“I don’t have any family left,” she continued. “The doctor says I don’t have very long.”

I quietly reached over and shut off the meter. “What route would you like to me take?” I asked.

For the next two hours, we drove through the city. She showed me the building where she had once worked as an elevator operator. We drove through the neighborhood where she and her husband had once lived when they were newlyweds. She had me pull up to the front of a furniture warehouse that had once been a ballroom where she had gone dancing as a girl. Sometimes she’d ask me to slow down in front of a particular building or corner and would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing.

As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, “I’m tired. Let’s go now.”

We drove in silence to the address she had given me. It was a low building, like a small convalescent home, with a driveway that passed under a portico. Two orderlies came out to the cab as soon as we pulled up. They were solicitous and intent, watching her every move. They must have been expecting her.

I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to the door. The woman was already seated in a wheelchair.

“How much do I owe you?” she asked, reaching into her purse.

“Nothing,” I said.

“You have to make a living,” she said.

“There are other passengers,” I responded.

Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug. She held on to me tightly.

“You gave an old woman a little moment of joy,” she said. “Thanks you.”

I squeezed her hand, then walked into the dim morning light. Behind me, a door shut. It was the sound of a closing life.

I didn’t pick up any more passengers that shift. I drove aimlessly, lost in thought. For the rest of that day, I could hardly talk. What if that woman had gotten an angry driver, or one who was impatient to end his shift? What if I had refused to take the run, or had honked once, then driven away?

On a quick review, I don’t think that I have done anything more important in my life. We’re conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments. But great moments catch us unaware – beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one.

People may not remember exactly what you did, or what you said, but they will always remember how they made your feel.

-Source Unknown