So I came clean about my depression.  To the whole freaking world.  As I am quite fond of saying: “go big or go home” right?  Although I have to say that it was strangely freeing above all else.  Except one person was keep in the dark, until I seen them Wednesday past.  I can’t totally recall exactly what they said but it was something to the effect of:

” I can’t believe you’re having a hard time, you look better then I’ve ever seen you!”   (granted I showered, threw on some mascara and French braided my hair.  Apparently I clean up real good 😉 ) Perhaps they’ve read David Hume’s Essays, Moral and Political, 1742, include:  “Beauty in things exists merely in the mind which contemplates them.”  In any case, they’re very sweet.

Now don’t get me wrong, this person is not ignorant (I happen to think they’re quite brilliant most of the time) however it just goes to show you that not all pain is visible.  Not everyone who is dealing with something appears to be a total train wreck.

Oops, wrong train wreck!

That and I’m really good at faking it. (I wonder if any of my exes will see this heh)

Anyway…

Moving along

They just proved a very valuable point.  Just because someone seems well adjusted, well put together and happy doesn’t mean that they are.  I know people with eating disorders, bio-polar disorder, addictions and scores of other problems that are more “mental” as opposed to physical to a degree and you wouldn’t know it.  The pain no one sees is the pain that hurts the most.

For example, I have well over a 100 hours of tattoo work on my body with approximately 35% coverage.  Had you not known this about me and happened to catch me on a day that I was wearing my usual attire of jeans/hoodie/t-shirt you wouldn’t see any of them.  Not a one.  So my internal pain, very much like my tattoos is very well hidden unless I choose to show it to you.

That being said, addictions, self injury, eating disorders, depression are usually stemmed from some other psychological form.  Meaning that giving someone who’s just confessed to being anorexic a huge plate of pasta and cake isn’t going to “fix” them.

I’m fortunate in the sense that my depression is (hopefully) only temporary based on several soul sucking life factors and for the most part I find respite from it in several ways.  Art being one of them.  One thing I love to do is create.  There’s something magical about taking random materials and watching something come to life with your own two hands, there really is.  Even if you have no artistic talents what so ever.

So the next time you stumble across someone whom you think is happy and well adjusted and confesses to whatever ails them, be there for them.  Please don’t try to fix people like us.  Much like feeding an anorexic food, trying to make someone happy by cheering them up if they’re depressed, or flushing their drugs down the toilet, there’s no quick fix.  It’s not so much that we can’t be saved (because everyone is worth saving IMHO) sometimes we just need someone to be there.  Hugs are extra nice too.  There’s also something pretty magical when you come to the realization that people care about you and they want you to be OK and they’re willing to be there for you and offer support in a way that no one else can sans pity.  If you let them. Because sometimes you can’t make it on your own.  That’s OK, because no one should have to.

This song pretty much sums up a lot of things for me.  The official video (which is awesome btw)  is here

I really just want my life back.

So I’m taking it.  One day at a time.

Steph