Jason Cartwright April 21st 1980-September 3rd 2009
I lost one of my closest/best friend/business partner today(Sept 3rd 2009), a good friend, someone that I could count on no matter what. This is my memorial/letter to him. You may be gone, but I won’t ever forget you. (you can read about the tattoo I got for Jason here)
We lost touch for a while and I never heard back from you for a while either and I dropped you an e-mail just to say hey last month & to touch base with you. I wasn’t that worried when I hadn’t heard anything back from you because I knew that you had a lot going on. I had a bad feeling about today, couldn’t quite put my finger on it. All those times that I meant to drop you an e-mail just to play catch up and tell you that I was there and I never did. Once again procrastination has gotten the best of me and while I was too busy with my head up my ass, you were plotting to play God and left this world behind… I never had any regrets until that day, I regret not reaching out sooner, not having things done sooner. Maybe, just maybe you’d still be here if I did.
You opened up to me, I was one of the few people left that you had faith in. You told me that you valued my friendship and that you loved me. I valued your friendship too and when I said I loved you too I meant it; because I did. We became friends because my computer was a piece of shit and it was our mutual love of body modification that brought us together & kept us together. Over time we developed a strange bond as only the two of us can and it was you that I could turn to and you to me. I’ll admit it, I’m angry that you did this. You promised me that you wouldn’t do this to yourself, your family, your friends and to me. You said it was a cowardly thing to do and you couldn’t bear to hurt the ones that you loved like that. Yet you did it anyway, I try to understand why and I quite simply can’t.
Yet as I sit here crying and alone trying to come to terms with your senseless foolish death, I thank God that I had you when I did because you meant SO much to me! I’ve told you a 100 times if not more to phone, text, e-mail me whatever the hell it was that you needed to do and I WOULD BE THERE anytime, anyplace for you. Dammit Jason, I feel so guilty for not keeping in touch! I wish I had the funds to maintain the hosting account, and maybe sooner as opposed to later I will. You may be gone BUT IAM2/our other business dealings shouldn’t be. I know you told me a little bit about how to run things but you know me and how utterly clueless I am about those things…
What can I say, its too late now to tell you one last time that I was/am SO damn grateful that you pulled my ass out of the fire countless times. You gave your time to me so selflessly so that we could both better ourselves and get ahead with our business dealings. You were there for me when my world felt like it was falling apart when I got divorced, when my computer broke down, more importantly you were ALWAYS there when I needed a friend! You and I, we have a bond that even your death can’t break. Even though you broke your promise to me and in turn broke my heart, you were obviously so wounded to the point that you felt the only way to heal was death. I can understand that, I just wish you didn’t do it.
I hope it was quick and painless. The pain that I feel right now will likely linger for a very long time. You touched so many people, I don’t think you realize how many of us respected you in spite of the shit that went down back in the day. I don’t know what drove you to this, and I only wish that I had known so that maybe I could have saved your ass. Because you know what sweetheart, you may not think your ass was worth saving for whatever reason but I DID and I still DO but its too little too late. I’ll miss our phone conversations and endless e-mails. I miss hearing you laugh and your devious schemes, your directness & candor. More over, I miss you! We never met in this life and maybe someday we will. The impact you left on my life was outstanding and for that I thank you. You were one of the few people who believed in me and taught me to believe in myself. That in itself is priceless, very much like yourself.
You broke my heart Jason, but I have hope that the time will come when I can pick up the pieces as I mourn your loss and reflect upon all those precious moments of your life that you so generously shared with me. I love you, I miss you and my life simply won’t be the same without you along for the ride. Sadly your death has taught me to no longer wait, to live for the moment because tomorrow just may never come. They say everything happens for a reason and this is one thing that I don’t think I can ever come to understand. Oh and Jason one last thing: Thank you for everything, you were amazing. I’ll forever cherish everything about you and the difference you made in my life. I love you!
I thought of you with love today, but that is nothing new. I thought about you yesterday, and days before that too. I think of you in silence, I often speak your name. All I have are memories and a picture in a frame. Your memory is a keepsake, with which I’ll never part. God has you in his keeping, I have you in my heart. <3